today

is all i need to be thinking about.

from the time i wake up until i go to bed, i should be focused on how i can make this day the best day. to be present. to be here now. a lot can be said about this. to some degree, i do believe we should think about the future, but not to the degree of trying to control the outcome.

today is my birthday. where as typically i would be all up and down all day long, this is not the case. nor has it been the case for several years now. my birthdays get gloomier as i think back on recent birthdays and how they were in no way celebratory. in fact, they were terrible. but today, on this birthday, i am changing all that.

two days in a row i have been heavily encouraged by two friends. one old. one new. and both have given me great advise and wisdom into how i can release myself from the holds i'm clinging to. both concepts that are not hard to come up with on my own, but actions that seem to be such big steps that i feel like i need to be holding someone's hand as i progress to another level. it's the support that i've been needing.

step one: letting go of old things...to make room for new things. sutff! yay, i'm adding even more stuff! no, really. this is serious for me. i've been searching for a place to put down some roots. and in the process i have been collecting things for my home. books, although i have no book shelf. dishes, although i have no kitchen. furniture, although i have no rooms to put it in. i have come to realize that either i am very bad at manifesting, or i have not been reading the signs that are telling me "this is not the time you are going to get your dream home". so basically i've been living in boxes for several years now, towing all my crap all over the US. it has been my largest headache, only adding to the feeling of having no home. and yet, i'm still gypsying like it's easy living out of a vehicle with all this crap. "one day" i keep telling myself. well, it's not today. nor is it going to be tomorrow. today, i do not need that cast iron sink. today, i do not need all those photography books, read and unread. today, i am making room for a new chapter in my life, and i am going to make home where ever i am, and that home will have just what i need for today. i think my belief of not being able to obtain certain necessities when it all crashes has scared me into hoarding. perhaps, at this point in my life, even though the famous year of 2012 is here, it is not especially necessary that i do this.

step two: reinvent my birthday for goddess sake!! yeah, that's right, it's my day and i'll soak up all the sunshine because it too shines for my growth and happiness. i am doing a cleanse, so to speak, of my external life. i am allowing room for new thoughts, new awareness, new knowledge, and letting go of the vision of all those dreaded boxes that keep reminding me that "i have no home" as i used to always tell myself. no more storage units for me! i am allowing room for plant knowledge and plant spirits. i am allowing myself to feel at home where i'm at. and i am enjoying this day, my day, and other birthdays to come. i am going to come up with my own birthday ritual that i can do by myself, or share it with whomever, that i will continue to do for future birthdays. i am no longer dependent on others to make my day joyous.

i feel better already.