put my slippers on, we're going for a walk

as with anything troubling in my life, when left alone...i mean really alone...i figure it all out. and in usually stop-watch timing. but when consumed by it, day in, day out, it only gets more foggy in the distance. i'm waiting for a pasture to pass by in hopes of there being a gap of thin air, or beam of light that cuts across the mist for a view to be taken. something that screams and jolts me back to what is.

slap me in the face, light, please.
trip me onto my knees, air, i beg you.
heart, you stay out of this, you're no good for rationalizing matters.
head, get out of your heart.

unfortunately, when my sights are foggy it's usually my own fault...how easily my heart sways to the sounds of "let us" and "when we". hopelessly romantic. what comes out of my mouth doesn't always seem so romantic. that's the self preservation talking. lessons learned from experiences past. yellow tape.
when i'm listening, the Universe isn't shouting. it's all clear. when i'm listening is when i'm not letting my sensitivities get in the way. when i'm listening is not when i let other people's expectations of me take over what i know is.

one man says "i know you, believe me, i do". should i believe, and take that risk? i've heard that string of words before. what wasn't planned for in that whirlwind of sweet nothings was the arrival of reality. reality. it really knows how to make people feel a little more raw. exposed. tested. my mothers says "she's a difficult one. be careful". thanks for the 'blessings'. now lets go our merry way, shall we?

and as it doesn't turn out the way i had planned, i do not regret. or feel mistakes were made. only that i should have stayed more focused. the obstacle with me and romance is standing on firm ground. but then i wonder, if both our grounds were firm and of the same earth, would it have been so hard to stand on it?
dare i answer...no.

i've stayed away from making a mental list of musts in a partner, and relied soley on intuition. admitting to have always listened to my gut would be inaccurate. admitting to always doing what i want would be more truthful. what i want sometimes being an escape route. or a fulfillment. never the less,
all emotions have been on board which ever way the wind blows.
it is time to make a list.

on being alone. i will not apologize for relishing in my time. it is a core element, not to be misunderstood as an anti-social tactic, and should not be taken personally. i cannot explain or give examples as to how this works in a relationship dynamic. i cannot explain how one is supposed to understand it, because there is nothing to understand. it just is. accept it, or not.
what's more, i am intensely creative in my alone time. what comes in this silence is inspiration through wondering, discovering, meditating, day dreaming, night dreaming, romanticizing, singing, dancing, fantasizing, experimenting, exploring. if one denies me of my solitude, then you are denying me of my entire makeup.
lonerism does not mean that i loath company. in fact, it's quite the opposite. i desire companionship very much, actually. one-on-one at the kitchen table, 2am, at it's best. and sometimes, i'm reading a book in the sun beams stretched across the sun room floor, you sitting across the room whittling away at a piece of pine the dog brought in and dropped at your feet. comfortable, compatible, silence.  it is crowds, hoards, noises of masses of people bumping into me, arms brushing against my elbows, smelling too much alcohol based perfume, shouting, cell phones, that makes my eyes bulge, blood boils. likewise, a single person has the ability to have the same effect. suffocation. consumption. go make your own shadow. i already have one. a real shadow that is quiet reliance.

fiercely independent does not mean man hater. it also does not mean that i warrant being treated any less than womanly. it does not mean that i consider you lower on the totem pole. if you knew me, you would know that i don't believe in such things.

sure, it all looks good in writing. very attractive, indeed. but here's how you play the game.

rule number one: take the time to know. mysteries may not be solved. but a picture will be painted for guidance.
rule number two: if there is even a morsel of doubt, ask yourself about it.
rule number three: do not compromise anything about yourself. there is such a thing as equality and i believe in it whole heartedly. meet on mutual grounds, or not at all. do not sacrifice for the wrong reasons.
rule number four: cohabitate ~ balance ~ love ~ spread the seeds