the struggle between fire and water

sometimes i feel terrible. not as in i've fallen ill, but as in i'm a terrible person. my actions, i can reflect on and be ashamed. mostly, i attribute it to being fire...which, arguably, is a solid argument....although not a good enough excuse to pardon the actions. and further more do not justify them. and then i have to sit back and ask myself  "why did you just say that?"
and then i'll go on and on (secretly, quietly) analyzing all the reasons behind why, and never come up with a satisfiable answer.
and this goes for lots of things in my life.
this morning, as in most mornings as of late, the question came up...do i need to continue my solo journey? therein lies my struggle. it is possible that even though i am more than satisfied with the love we share, including the dreams and aspirations to build a life on the road...something i've always desired, and with my partner no less...an undeniably internal watery moon desire...that maybe there is an unfinished journey i am supposed to continue (complete? finish?) that is causing me some distress with my place in time....like maybe i'm stuck, even though i know that i'm totally not stuck by any stretch of the imagination. but the fear that i haven't found what i was supposed to find on my unplanned trek is being put off because Love was found unexpectedly...and it's that fear that makes me lash out...like i'm subconsciously sabotaging so as to make all this uncertainty a little easier.

...is it Love that i was supposed to find?...

it is True that one cannot completely be happy in a relationship with another unless they are completely happy in their relationship with themselves...

my other fear is the longevity of this solo trek...there is no doubt in my mind that even though i know your love for me is solid...now...will it be there when i return? these things, no one can answer.

so i search for Truth, Satya, the new adaptation to my name.
chloe satya, welcome to your journey. solo or accompanied. there is always a journey in which Truth can be found.